Motorcycle Mayhem

Ladies and gentlemen, I ride a motorcycle. That’s right, a big, fast motorcycle. What’s more, I’m getting tired of hearing about everyone in the history of the world that has been killed while riding a motorcycle. I know well and good that a motorcycle does not possess a protective exoskeleton. I know that there are people that drive crazy on the roads. I know that there is an inherent danger in being on the same roads with said people while sitting on something that is little more than a two-wheeled motor with a seat. I know these things. I knew these things before I ever bought the bike. I knew these things before I ever threw a leg over it. I knew these things before I enrolled in the motorcycle safety course. I knew these things before I bought the gloves, full-face helmet, armored jackets and padded pants. I know it, already. You don’t have to tell me any more.

As I see it, life itself is a calculated risk and I’ve done the calculations. I’m not suicidal by any stretch. There is danger everywhere, but I’m shocked at how many people choose to ignore that fact, all the while barking about me getting on my bike. Well, I’m here to point out some things to increase people’s awareness and, frankly, get this off my chest.

Yesterday I had a guy who looked like he was the President and CEO of the North American Bacon Eaters Club tell me about someone he knew that was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident. My initial thought (though I bit my tongue to keep from saying it) was that I knew of a guy whose ticker went off like a grenade from shoving sausage biscuits down his gullet and refusing to push back from the table and do some exercise. If you’re sitting there looking as swollen as Jabba the Hutt, chewing on a rib bone and you have gravy dripping off your chin, your comments aren’t really reaching me. I’m not an odds maker or a gambler, but if I had to wager on who was going to buy the farm first, I know where my money would go. And how can someone be justified in firing up a smoke and taking a sip of booze while telling me getting on a motorcycle is bad for my health? I’m sorry… I can’t hear you for all the wheezing not to mention that your gin blossom is blinding me.

Another thing I commonly hear is about how some little old lady pulled out in traffic right in front of someone’s uncle’s neighbor’s best friend’s brother and he had no where to go but through her driver's side door. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with that information. Is it done as a memorial for that person? Are they suggesting that I avoid little old ladies? Or is it that they want to converse, but this is the only bit of motorcycle knowledge they possess, so they toss it out there? Trust me folks, there is no one more cognizant of where the little old ladies, the punks flipping the dial on the radio, the business man on his 3 way call or the excessively fatigued truck driver than I am when I’m on my bike. I watch them like a hawk and I’m more keenly aware of their presence than a buzzard is of a fresh carcass. And for the record, I read about a guy in a trash truck that swerved to miss a little old lady that pulled out in front of him and was injured in the ensuing wreck. Maybe if he’d been on a motorcycle he could have avoided her and wouldn’t have ended up in the ditch with a steaming heap of old diapers and half-eaten pizza slices.

If you want something to clamor about, why not focus on the number of kids these days that are dropping dead while engaging in sports activities? I’m a lot more worried by 18 year olds dying during football practice than I am by a 42 year old ripping up the highways. Chances are those kids were just doing what their coach instructed them to do. Chances are also good that the guy on the bike that got killed was doing something stupid that he told himself to do. Go figure.

While we’re tossing out random things to fret over, why not consider all the bridge failures that have occurred? There have been lots of people killed during bridge collapses, and it is an indiscriminate killer. Does that mean we should all avoid bridges because it could collapse? Next time you’re sitting on an overpass, encapsulated in your protective cage during rush hour traffic, try thinking about the fact that the very bridge that stands between you and terra firma was built by the low bidder. See if that doesn’t make you pinch a hole in your shorts.

And while I’m rolling, why don’t we consider some things that are more close to home? How about the fact that your hot water heater is a pressurized bomb with only a pop-off valve to keep it from becoming an instant skylight installer. How about hoping the guy at the gas pump next to you isn’t suffering from static cling while he pumps the gas with his engine still running? Should you worry that the electrician who was running the wires in your house was more focused on the hangover that was plaguing him than the staple he drove through one of the wires? Will that next can of beans you open be the one with salmonella, shigella, E. coli or Ebola? Should you let the grass in the yard grow out of control, inviting varmints of all varieties or go out and cut it with the whirling blades of death? Tell me, please.

I’m not trying to be an alarmist, make light of, or minimize the threat of danger where it truly exists, but rather to point out that danger lurks everywhere. All any of us can do is EITHER be aware of danger and take precautions to mitigate it OR we can curl up in a corner somewhere and pee ourselves. I don’t like that warm, wet feeling so I’m going to go with option number one.

Yes, I ride a motorcycle. Yes, I know the risks. Yes, I’m careful. And yes, I have fun. If you’re one of those people who is guilty of passing on horror stories then please, take a pass next time you see me. Trust me, I’ve already heard it.